One of the most fascinating things about being a mother is observing how my children differ as well as how they are similar.
This morning I overheard Abigail tell Anna, "You say, 'May I please have a cookie?' Okay?"
Abigail wasn't teaching Anna manners. She was playing a game which involved a few of our vast collection of cooking toys. Abigail was asking Anna to say a particular phrase as part of their acting out having a meal.
The thing that struck me about this simple interaction was that Abigail is not yet four. Joshua, who is just six, still does not use this device (of telling the other person what to say) in his play very often. He will tell the other children what they should be and do: "You be a polar bear and follow me" or "You be Zaccheus and climb the tree and I will be Jesus..." But I cannot think of an instance when he has told anyone what to say although he does willingly follow Anna's instructions when she tells him what to say.
Anna, on the other hand, at times is so full of instructions for what everyone else should say as they play together that I wonder if she might one day become a playwright! "You say, 'I can see a little girl holding a doll.' " or "You say, 'That's a pretty dress.' " or (as she said just a moment ago) "You say, 'Darling!' " ad infinitum. It seems that Anna is always the star of the action, and she is bent upon having her siblings narrate her life at her behest. I always assumed the differences between Anna and Joshua were mostly because of their different genders.
Now, Anna is almost five. A while back she was busy telling stories, but she moved on to this form of demanded conversation in her play a few months ago, perhaps a bit before Christmas I think, when she was about four and a half. The thing that interests me is that Abigail has begun using this "you say" device in her play at a much earlier age than Anna ever did. She is at least six months ahead of Anna in this regard. Has Abigail just learnt the device through imitation of her older sibling? Or is she inherently more advanced in this particular area of development?
One observation I have is that Abigail's "you say" instructions are actually very different to Anna's. While Anna just wants everyone else to describe her actions, Abigail wants to draw Anna (and the others) into a conversation, into an imaginary game that involves more than just one person who is the star of the action. Now this is quite a marked difference and I definitely do see that it is related to their personalities.
Anna has always been demanding, from the moment she was born with an Apgar of 10 (maxing out her first test!) and latched on to feed - for half an hour solid - within moments of being held in my arms. She cried more; she banged her head and had to be taught to squeeze her hands together to calm down; she could call out her own name at an astonishing 4 months. And I see Anna's version of this "you say" play as yet another aspect of her demanding, self-centred way of doing things. (Don't get me wrong, she is growing into a lovely and very loving girl, but she does still have this baseline attitude.)
In contrast, Abigail has always been interested in pleasing others and doing what she thinks will keep them happy. Except for the aberration of turning breech at 35 weeks gestation, thereby almost earning for herself the name "Mary", as in, "Quite Contrary", Abigail has truly always been "her father's joy", just as her name means in Hebrew. She was a quieter baby, and she was much slower to learn to crawl and then walk than the other two, because she was content to just sit. When she was 8 months old we took her on an international holiday to England and Singapore for four weeks and she spent hours bundled up in a carry pack on my chest without complaining nearly as much as her older siblings who spent a lot of time in the pram. When her dummy was unceremoniously taken away soon after we moved to Perth, she had no complaints - not like her older sister who screamed for hours in the next bedroom (they had their dummies taken at the same time or Anna would steal Abigail's). Other skills Abigail has learnt earlier than her siblings, such as getting dressed on her own: Abi was choosing her clothes and getting herself dressed completely while Anna, 13 months older, was still asking for help to get into everything. Abi learnt to climb trees early because she wanted to be up there with the others.
Now, she is again following in Anna's footsteps. But Abigail is putting her own twist to things, because rather than make the game all about herself, as Anna does, she makes the game all about the other person, getting them to play and have fun. What a lovely thing to observe!
Thank you, God, for giving me the opportunity to watch my children closely, so that I really know them intimately. Thank you for Abigail's desire for other people to have joy. You know my children much better than I. Please keep watching over them, loving them with your amazingly big love. Please help Abigail keep her love for others and make it grow as she does. Amen.
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2 comments:
I love that your kids are so imaginative in their play. It seems like an obvious thing, but I'm amazed how quickly children stop pretending in our current culture. I attribute it to over-media exposure and the over-structured life that most kids grow up living (bouncing from day-care to school to sports to school to summer day-camps to sports and so on). I think that traditional school culture quickly discourages pretending (at least here). I'm not really an expert, but I've noticed that my kids seem to be much better at pretending than their peers, but on the flip side they are not as good at organized games and sports.
Your Abigail reminds me a bit of my Sydney and your Anna reminds me of my Hope. My girls are fraternal twins so they are not genetically more connected than "singleton siblings." Hope is usually coordinating their play, often centered around herself, and Sydney for the sake of peace is usually willing to yield (although she has her limits!).
It is interesting that spiritually Hope is more obviously prone to rebellion, but at the same time is more likely to be broken-hearted and stricken with the weight of her sin. Meanwhile, Sydney is compliant and eager to do what is right, but struggles with pride and is less likely to admit to herself when she has sinned. In the end, I think it is harder to parent Sydney because so much is going on inside that I'm not privy to. It is easy to misunderstand her motives, let attitudes go by unchecked, or just not realize exactly what is going on. On the other hand, Hope is more likely to clash with me, get into fights with her siblings, and insist on her way but it is all out in the open and easy to notice, deal with, and move on!
I enjoyed reading about your precious set of daughters. Thanks for letting me ramble a bit about mine. We are so blessed to have a pair of daughters and a pair of sons, aren't we?
We are indeed blessed!
Reading what you wrote about Sydney and Hope made me think that you are completely right about who is like whom. I can see here that while Anna gets in more trouble, or so it may seem, this is often because her disobedience or rebellion is overt and public, whereas Abigail's is often done with a smile and in a way that makes me think, "I wish I had said that was okay because now she has done it and it really is okay but it's also not okay because I told her not to" (if you know what I mean ).
I think the way the girls play is influenced a lot by what I read and talk to them about. We read a lot of imaginative stories, and a fair bit of historical/scientific/biblical stories as well so those add to the storehouse of ideas. I guess the same would be true for you and your children. The tendency is also increased by Anna's hugely aural/verbal focus.
Goodnight!
~ Sharon
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