Teaching manners

Recently, Anna (3yr11mo) was the recipient of a kind remark about how pretty she looked in her dress, with her hair in ponytails. Immediately, she looked up to the lady and replied in a cheerful voice, "Thank you for the lovely compliment." The lady turned to me with the biggest smile and gave me a spontaneous hug!

Some days, it quite amazes me how polite and mannerly my children can be. Yet when they are, I know that it is the end result of lots of hard work. It takes concentrated effort to teach children to use manners, because frankly, they are born heathens. This effort is worthwhile, because manners give a child a simple method of demonstrating respect and honour to the people around them, which is one aspect of loving their neighbour.

I begin with please and thank you. Samuel, (1yr3mo), can say less than a dozen words, but says "thank you" on 99% of the occasions when he is given finger food. He also says "thank you" when he is given his cup, is taken out of the play pen or is given a toy. He cannot presently say "please", however he does politely tap my arm and say "mmmoh", which is the beginnings of "more, please", when he wants to be fed faster. I am not writing this to brag, although I am very pleased with Samuel's current vocabulary. These words are in his vocabulary because I have repeated them over and over to him, in the appropriate situations. Little children learn their first words because they hear them many, many times. If parents are to teach their children manners from the very first, they need to be modelling these manners themselves, and in the early stages, expressing polite language on behalf of the child. At first it might seem awkward to be saying "thank you" to yourself, however the child will generally copy the words in their most frequent context first, so use the words when and how you want them used by your child. Once a child has the verbal skills to compose a short sentence, teach them not merely to say the simple, "more, please", but to be specific in their polite requests, for example, "Please, may I have an apple?" Anna's well-received "Thank you for the lovely compliment" is an example of how to be specific when acknowledging another person's words or efforts. "You're welcome" is a polite response to another person's thanks.

Abigail (2yr10mo) is presently mastering the use of the apologetic, sorry. I teach my children explicitly how to apologise, and I do not let them stop with a simple, "I'm sorry." I teach them to apologise for the specific offense (this requires that they know what exactly they have done wrong), for example, "I'm sorry that I ran over you with my bike." I teach them to ask for forgivenness, and again, I expect them to specify the character trait which they should have shown, for example, "Will you (please) forgive me for not being careful?" I also let them know that at times, they will have to wait until the other person has calmed down somewhat before they can reasonably expect to offer an apology. Sometimes the other person is too mad to hear the apology, and are unable to respond with forgiveness. However, this is not allowed to go on long in my family - I don't want my children learning to hold grudges, I want them to learn to forgive others as they would have God forgive them. Children also need to understand that sometimes restitution is necessary. This means that the child must do something other than say sorry and ask forgivenness to make the apology complete. I ask the child, "What can you do to make this right?" It might just take a hug or it might take sitting down and building the tumbled-down block tower back together again, but there is usually some action that a child can do to remediate their painful or annoying action and thus help to restore the relationship.

I have recently taught Joshua (5yr) to interrupt politely, using excuse me, and it has worked wonders for my ability to complete my thoughts and sentences! I told Joshua that it is respectful for him to touch me on my leg or arm (as circumstances permit) and to say quietly, "Excuse me, Mummy," then wait for my reply. We practiced this several times that first day, so that I knew he understood what to do and say. I explained to him that sometimes I need to finish what I am thinking, saying or doing before I can speak to him, so this is a way that he can let me finish an important task in order that he may have my full attention. Of course, I have to follow that up by actually giving him my full attention when I reply with "Yes, Joshua, I'm listening." In my opinion, manners used correctly by my children demand that I be polite in return. Acknowledging Joshua's polite interruptions quickly and positively has also had the advantage of rewarding Joshua for his good manners, and he now knows that while I may ignore him if he blunders in at me with a rushed "Mummy, look at this!" or "Mummy, I need you to...", I am far more likely to listen carefully and respond favourably if he first gains my attention with a respectful, "Excuse me."

Please, thank you, sorry and excuse me are the big four when it comes to manners in my culture. It is not sufficient to stop there, however. Each family should think about what methods they use to express respect, and work on training their children to use them. Teaching modesty and the corresponding need to respect others' need for privacy is the next rung up the manners ladder for our family. At the moment we are working on the concept of giving Mummy privacy when she's on the toilet. I'll let you know how it goes!